SON: You’re not my father! You’re a fake! An imposter! Children! Children, meet your new father. HUSBAND: It looks like you’ve got plenty to spare! Can we have sex now? WIFE: What if I lose my boobs? Will you leave me too? But I have to be honestit was mainly the boobs. WIFE: You left because she lost her boobs? I’m a boob man, so it was completely unworkable. She had boobs until the baby was born, but he sucked them right off. WIFE: Will you constantly try to pork me in the rear? WIFE: Watch football or do me in the kitchen? WIFE: Shingle the roof or buy a new house? WIFE: Would you do your own laundry or wait for me to do it. WIFE: Any history of baldness in your family? WIFE: Well … if you went to the trouble of writing it … I … I wouldn’t want it to go to waste. WIFE: My … my husband hasn’t brought me flowers in almost fifteen years. HUSBAND: They’re orchidsa symbol of rare beauty and eternal lovemy love for you. HUSBAND: Oh! I almost forgot! I brought you flowers! But you can’t just walk in here and expect us to WIFE: Look, I’m … I’m sorry your life is so boring. HUSBAND: Perfect! I love technology! All those little gadgets and stuff! It’ll be great! It has to be more exciting than the one I’ve been coming home to for the past fifteen years. HUSBAND: I pass it every day on my way to work, so I thought today I’d give it a try. And then, on the way home, suddenly it hit to mewhy come home to the same old boring wife and house and kids and dog when I could try something new? HUSBAND: It was awful! Just like every other day! Same old boring job. HUSBAND: Aren’t you going to ask how my day was? WIFE: Don’t touch me! I’ll scream! I’ll call the police! WIFE: Who are you? What are you doing in my house?! CHARACTERS WIFE HUSBAND SON DAUGHTER FIRST HUSBAND/DOG
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